DISCIPLINE WITHOUT PUNISHMENT

Punishment really does not teach children anything, except to fear getting caught.  It also teaches them to be punishing.

Punishment is educational only in the sense that it models punishing behavior.

You do not teach your child HOW to improve his behavior by punishing. You make him feel badly about the way that YOU behave in reaction to his behavior.

Punishing does not teach a child to feel appropriate remorse over the behavior that you are punishing.  He regrets only the punisher’s behavior, because that is all that hurts him.

Punishing a child is not the same as issuing consequences designed to actually lead the child into a more
positive attitude and more
responsible self-direction.

For instance, washing a child’s mouth out with soap does not teach the child a more refined level of verbal communication skill.  To lead a child into better use of words:

1.Model the use of language you expect from the child

2.Help the child to maintain emotional balance, because when emotional intensity runs too high it is impossible to control speech well

3.Explain to the child the real consequences for using poor language in certain settings, like at school or in the earshot of the parents of friends.  You might say something like this: “If your friend’s parent hears you say that, she won’t let her child play with you.”

One of the causes of child behavior problems is the emotional way that parents react when they do not like their child’s behavior.  If you criticize and complain too emotionally, too often, your way of correcting is actually inciting the child behave even more problematically.

Only as parents demonstrate a higher level of SELF-control can they effectively lead the child into a higher level of self-control.

When a child is too tired, too excited or too angry and unhappy the child loses control of his behavior.  The child is also incapable of learning ANYTHING.

When your child behaves poorly, make it your first priority to behave properly in response to that.  Maintain your peace and poise so that you model the kind of emotional self-control that permits reasonable, responsible behavior.

When you feel calm you can more clearly and accurately recognize exactly what your child needs from you to demonstrate and develop improved behavior.

Consequences that involve a restriction of privileges CAN be useful in helping a child to be more responsible, but they need to be employed correctly, or they backfire.

Never restrict a privilege punitively, with the aim of making your child feel badly about what she has done.  Restrict your child’s freedom only to avoid giving your child more freedom than he can responsibly handle.

If your child is watching TV when he should be doing homework, end or limit TV privileges for a period of time, but NOT to make your child feel badly.  Do it because your child is mishandling the privilege.  Give a child no more privileges than he can handle responsibly.

When a child handles a privilege responsibly, test his ability to handle more freedom.  But if he handles it irresponsibility, you enable him to develop irresponsible behavior patterns by continuing to give him that privilege.

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If you found this article helpful, Bob Lancer's full length book, Parenting With Love, Without Anger or Stress will surely be one you will love.  Understand what causes children to behave as they do, and what you can do to solve and avoid child behavior problems.

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