Article by Bob Lancer 
(see many more articles at www.boblancer.com)   

The Impolite Child  

Why Children Display It & What To Do About It

The most impolite children tend to be those under the age of six, and for good reason.  These children are in a stage of development of their power of attention.  Often, they actually do not have the power to shift their focus of attention from what interests them. What we regard as impolite behavior, as when the child does not politely greet someone they did not expect to see, is often the child engaging in developmentally appropriate behavior.  That is, she is sustaining her point of focused attention on something that interests her.

In fact, if we frequently interrupt the child's focus of attention during the first six years, we hinder the development of her power of control over her attention.  This results in a child who is easily distracted, who tends to interrupt and distract others, and who gets bored too quickly.  This child will exhibit a weakness in the ability to concentrate for long periods of time.

Sometimes we have to weigh and balance the costs of redirecting a child's behavior.  Would you rather your child under the age of six develop a strong, healthy power of control over his attention, or would you rather force him to acknowledge someone who has entered the room?  No option we choose in life comes without costs and you cannot always have it both ways.

There are other forms of impoliteness displayed by children, like demanding something in a bossy manner instead of courteously saying "please".  Adults are quick to criticize and correct a child when he fails to say "please", but then we excuse our own discourteous, self-absorbed ways of expressing ourselves.  Children automatically repeat the forms of behavior we expose them to, so if your child displays a form of impoliteness, take a second look at your own conduct to identify ways that you could express more kindness and consideration in your manner of interacting.

In general, we have to be careful about the way that we attempt to correct.  If you correct a behavior incorrectly, you end up causing more behavior problems.  For instance, it may be best to sometimes overlook a child's neglect to say "please" and "thank you" at times.  When correcting the child would lower his self-confidence and self-esteem, because the child is particularly sensitive and caring, it may be best to let his small slip go. Don't you cut yourself slack for such slips at times?  Sometimes, correcting the child in a way that interrupts the child's flow may prove annoying to the child, and thus instigate even poorer behavior.

You will often find that parents who seem the most demanding when it comes to enforcing politeness from the child also provide the child with too little conscious, deep involvement, to the point where their child routinely drifts into serious behavior problems.  In other words, these parents correct superficial impoliteness because that is easy, and it masks the fact that they routinely pay overly superficial attention to the child.

Essentially, to raise a polite child, consistently interact with that child in a conscious, sensitive, compassionate way.  Consistently pay close enough attention to the child to recognize when his behavior is about to drift off course, into disrespectful, inconsiderate, chaotic activity, so you can redirect him before he develops insensitive, inconsiderate patterns of behavior. Model caring, polite behavior but do not make a superficial show of consideration more important than deeply relating with your child's feelings and rooting out the insensitivity in your conduct toward others.

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