Article by Bob Lancer
(see many more articles at www.boblancer.com)

Sibling Solutions
How and Why to Love Each Child Best

Part 8

Do not enforce immediate sharing.  Establish a pattern of taking turns, where each one gets to have the mutually desired object for a while, then gives the other a turn.  If one of the children refuses to cooperate, give the choice that if you want the object you need to cooperate; otherwise you do not get to have the object until your sibling is done.

If your children squabble over power or ownership to a degree that you feel to be excessive, take a closer look at how you model the fair sharing of power.  If, say, in your marriage, you demand to be too in charge, your children adopt this pattern and demonstrate it with one another, producing problematic conflict between them.  Also look at how you use your power in your relationship with your children.  For children to behave well they need a sufficient amount of freedom.  If you attempt to exert control more than is really necessary, you not only incite the child's rebellion and overly aggressive opposition to anyone's direction; you also teach your child to demand more control over his sibling than he really needs and more than his sibling feels comfortable giving.

Giving children some degree of responsibility for one another fosters their bonding by teaching them that they really are somewhat responsible for the care and wellbeing of one another.  When this results in a child who "tattles" on the other, handle it in a firm but loving manner by thanking that child for the report, but then only doing something about it if you believe taking action to be appropriate.  If you discourage the tattling, you might inadvertently discourage the child from responsible reporting.

When either or both of the children seem particularly fatigued, don't expect them to get along well.  Human beings dysfunction when we feel tired.  Specifically, we demonstrate more irritable, self-centered self-conduct.  When your children squabble, consider if fatigue is the cause.  When it is, either engage yourself with them in a positive way that helps them to keep their spirits up, or separate them if you can, permitting them some quiet alone time to recharge their batteries.  Because fatigue plays such havoc with a child's emotional equilibrium, avoid permitting or forcing your children to stay up too late.

All relationships need some breathing space. When even the closest of siblings spend too much time together they are bound to get on one another's nerves, and when that occurs, they are bound to get on your nerves.  When the children have difficulty getting along, consider if they just need a break from one another.  Forcing them to stay together and expecting too much of that to not undermine their emotional equilibrium is like expecting them to be able to jump up and without coming down.

Whatever challenges your siblings send your way, make it your top priority and responsibility to maintain your calm, confident, and compassionate composure.  Your children respond to your feelings.  The more frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed you feel the more your state of intensity incites their chaotic emotional reactions and disturbing behavior.  Practice handling every challenge with peace and poise and not only will you feel more in charge, you will be more in charge.

This Completes The Series: Sibling Solutions . To order Bob Lancer's CD recording of Sibling Solutions, e-mail your request for ordering instructions.  

If you found this article helpful, Bob Lancer's full length book, Parenting With Love, Without Anger or Stress will surely be a book you will love.  It presents an indepth look into what causes children to behave as they do, and what you can do in a balanced, loving, conscious way to support the fulfillment of your child's healthy, happy, glorious potential.  For more information, click image >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>