When your children argue, say, over who gets to do something first, watch and listen closely and patiently, giving them the chance to work out their problem on their own. If their conflict becomes abusive, or if it escalates to a point of intensity that it disturbs others in their surroundings, intervene in a conscious, calm, confident and loving manner even if you need to be firm. 

Avoid yelling, pleading, endlessly repeating yourself or blaming your children for any frustration, stress or strain that you feel.  Take total responsibility for your actions and reactions. The more you engage in these stressful tactics, the more unruly the children's behavior becomes.  Model healthy composure and considerate, dignified action. If they do not respond to your voice, step in physically to either separate them or help them to interact more respectfully with one another.  Be particularly sensitive to the feelings of the child who behaves more aggressively. If you routinely relate with her as the "bad child" she grows more resentful of you and of her sibling and accepts that negative definition of herself and lives up to it (or down to it).

Understand and accept the fact that during the first six years of life nature programs children to do whatever they see another doing, and to want whatever they see another having.  When your child wants to do or have what his brother is doing or having, he is simply expressing his normal, natural instinct to repeat what he is exposed to.  It is through the fulfillment of the urge to repeat that he learns to speak your language and picks up skills that others demonstrate for him.  If you treat this urge as bad or wrong, you teach the child to resist, repress or deny his innate capacity for learning and higher development.

But understanding the child's urge to copy does not mean that you need to give it free reign.  Do not permit siblings to grab things from one another, even when the grabber is the younger child. Each time a child grabs something from another child, the tendency to grab grows into a stronger habit.  Therefore, supervise your children closely enough to prevent the grabbing from occurring.  When it does happen, return the grabed object to its original possessor. Avoid over-relying on words to control this or any other child behavior.  If your child ignores your verbal direction, step in physically. If this causes the "grabber" to cry, so be it.  Sometimes you need to allow your child to feel unhappy.  However, do not express a harsh emotional reaction aimed at making the child feel badly, as if that will teach the child to respect others' boundaries.  Besides being needlessly cruel, it actually teaches the child to relate with others in an inconsiderate, insensitive manner.

Teach your siblings how to encourage sharing from one another.  When a child under the age of six wants something that you do not want to give, give that child a substitute.  Let him see you first handling the object you are willing to give to him, and then give it to him.  If you want what the child under six has, let him see you handling an object and then offer him that object in exchange for what he has.  This will often work splendidly. If a younger one seems relentless in her attempts to take what her sibling has, teach her sibling to come to you for assistance.    

To order Bob Lancer's CD recording of Sibling Solutions in its entirety, e-mail your request for ordering instructions.    

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