Article by Bob Lancer
(see many more articles at www.boblancer.com) Sibling Solutions
How and Why to Love Each Child Best Part 5 One of the more challenging aspects of bonding with both or your children involves the need to relate with each child uniquely. When you relate to two children in the same way you end up with only one happy child at best. Observe each of your children closely to identify the unique personality emerging from each, and the unique needs each personality calls upon you to meet. Parents often find it easier to relate with their firstborn than with their second born because by the time the second one arrives they have established some habitual and automatic patterns of relating with a child of their own. If the parent is not conscious of this habitual way of automatic relating, he begins clashing with the newborn very soon and the rift between may continue to develop for a lifetime. A child grows jealous of her sibling when she observes that sibling receiving a deeper, more authentic connection from one or both parents than she experiences. If your child shows signs of jealousy, avoid the common jump to the conclusion that the jealousy is a superficial and inappropriate reaction that you need to object to. Instead, go deeper and take it as a sign that you need to re-examine exactly how you relate with each child. Do this not to see if you are spending more money on one, or saying "yes" more often to one, but rather to see if you are relating to them too similarly and not differently enough. One child will probably be more sensitive than the other. One child will probably be more physically active. One child may be at a stage in life requiring a more mature intellectual connection and more physical independence (from the age of six years old on) while the other needs more affective and abundant physical nurturing. One child may require a sterner form or coaching to motivate finer behavior, while the other may need more praise and tender forms of encouragement. One child may be more physical able, and need recognition for that; the other more emotional or even more spiritual, and need recognition for that. As you make the effort to get to know each child better and better, to know each child as a unique individual, you will find each child leading you in the way that she needs to be loved best. The way to get to know your child is to avoid holding fast to the assumption that you already know your child, and to presume instead that your child is constantly changing into someone new. Base your knowledge upon close observation during time spent with each child. Give yourself the opportunity to spend time with each child alone to concentrate on that child, not only to build your bond with that child, but to build up your knowledge and understanding of that child. Utilize times when you are with all of your children to practice relating to each one just the way each one needs. This can feel overwhelming if you work too hard at it. Maintain your emotional composure and work at it gently. Try to make it fun. Little by little your mode of parenting will individualize, and thus support the individualization of each of your children in their unique maturation process. To order Bob Lancer's CD recording of Sibling Solutions in its entirety, e-mail your request for ordering instructions. 
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