Article by Bob Lancer
(see many more articles at www.boblancer.com) Sibling Solutions
How and Why to Love Each Child Best Part 4 When it comes to dealing with a child's problematic behavior, one of the most commonly overlooked factors is emotion's influence upon behavior. For a child to behave well, a stable foundation of emotional balance and harmony proves necessary. Simply stated, for a child to behave well, she has to feel well. When children feel unhappy, frustrated, anxious, bored, lonely, rejected or overlooked, their behavior takes a nosedive. This impacts the way that siblings relate with one another. If your one or both of your children demonstrate much conflict or cruelty toward the other, avoid becoming so focused on the external show of behavior that you overlook and underestimate the importance of the underlying, internal state of their emotional condition. The way to begin improving a child's emotional condition is by maintaining a calm, confident and kind emotional condition around and toward the child however poorly that child may be behaving. Your emotional state radiates, influencing everyone around you, particularly the children, to feel somewhat similarly. Nurturing and maintaining your stable, loving emotional connection with both children proves essential for both children to demonstrate their finest behavior individually and in their way of relating with one another. You can easily overlook the feelings of an older sibling when a needy newborn enters the family, (This also applies to the "normal" sibling of the "special needs child"). The newborn seems so much more pure and innocent, and so much more dependent, compared with the older child. It is tempting to expect too much of the older child and routinely react in a cross, impatient manner when his demands or his behavior disturb the newborn or distract you in your attempts to care for the newborn. However, overlooking the emotional sensitivity and needs of a child of any age or capacity expresses not only cruel, or at least callous treatment of that child, it incites that child's callous or cruel treatment of his sibling sooner or later; so overlooking the feelings of one equates with overlooking the emotional needs of both. Bear in mind that the older child is also in a new stage of life with the arrival of a new sibling. Her whole world has been turned upside down. When she was your only child she received a very special kind of love from you. That love may now seem watered down, thinned out, and she may now feel like a stranger in your eyes. While you are learning how to love your newborn, learn how to love your other child in a new way that satisfies him emotionally. You might feel awkward for a while as you go through this transition. Be patient with yourself, but avoid the common mistake of expecting and demanding too much of your older child. Any emotional deficit that you permit to fester in your relationship with one child is bound to show up as that child's resentment toward the other and translate into mistreatment of the other. If you observe this occurring, resist the temptation to resent the angry child for making your life, and the life of his sibling, more difficult. Your expression of anger, impatience, and disapproval will only add fuel to the fire of that child's negative emotional condition. Remain calm, kind and confident as you work on improving your bonding with the child who feels emotionally disturbed. As you help a child to feel better, you help that child to do better. To order Bob Lancer's CD recording of Sibling Solutions in its entirety, e-mail your request for ordering instructions. 
If you found this article helpful, Bob Lancer's full length book, Parenting With Love, Without Anger or Stress will surely be a book you will love. It presents an indepth look into what causes children to behave as they do, and what you can do in a balanced, loving, conscious way to support the fulfillment of your child's healthy, happy, glorious potential. For more information, click image >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> |
