Article by Bob Lancer
(see many more articles at www.boblancer.com)

Sibling Solutions
How and Why to Love Each Child Best

Part 3

Since children become like whomever they spend time with, be that other person your or some other adult or your child's friend, classmate, or sibling we might think of human beings as psychologically contagious. Another aspect of modeling to keep in mind as to do with time: the more you expose a child to poor behavior, the more deeply and more lasting the modeling influence of that behavior upon the child exposed to it. That is why we need to do our best to eliminate, or at least to minimize the child's exposure to exhibitions of behavior or emotional problems that we do not want the child to "catch". 

When you observe one of your siblings demonstrating a form of self-conduct that you do not want the other to repeat, as soon as possible redirect the behavior of the poorly behaving child so as to minimize the amount of time the other receives exposure to that behavior.  For instance, if one child yells disrespectfully at you in the presence of another child, lead the yelling child into quieter speech as soon as you can, not just to improve that child's behavior, but to improve the quality of the example he is setting for the other child.  (As you do this, remember that how you do it models a way of behaving for both children. Be sure to remain compassionate, even if you need to be firm, in your manner of relating with the child who's behavior poses the problem.  Being harsh, unkind, insensitive, uncaring, impatient toward a child inevitably incites even more severe behavior problems, not to mention causing the child who receives and the child who witnesses the inhumane treatment needles, tragic emotional distress.)

If for some reason you are not able to successfully redirect the child's behavior adequately, your next best option is to separate the children as soon as possible in order to end or limit the other child's exposure to the poor behavior.  You might escort the child behaving poorly to his room, where you join him to help him to calm down and get back on track.  Or you might escort the other child to another location and either remain with her or ask her to remain there as you return to attend to the other child.

If you find this second option to be beyond your power, your third best option would be to do your best to distract the child in whose presence a child is behaving poorly.  Create as much space between the two as you can and work on getting the child you want to protect from the influence to concentrate on something else, preferably some kind of constructive activity.  The aim here is to fill this child's attention as much as possible with something else, so that the negative modeling influence exuded by the other child will be as shut out as possible. (Employing this option involves ignoring the child whose behavior poses the problem, which may serve to discourage that child's use of poor behavior for attention, and so encourage that child to exercise better self-control.)

If these first three options prove unfeasible, your fourth and final option is to just endure what you must, while demonstrating the finest example possible yourself. This may be your only option when in a public setting or while driving or attending to something important that you just cannot break away from. This at least provides the both children with a demonstration of wise self-mastery in the face of a situation that is beyond control.

To order Bob Lancer's CD recording of Sibling Solutions in its entirety, e-mail your request for ordering instructions.  

If you found this article helpful, Bob Lancer's full length book, Parenting With Love, Without Anger or Stress will surely be a book you will love.  It presents an indepth look into what causes children to behave as they do, and what you can do in a balanced, loving, conscious way to support the fulfillment of your child's healthy, happy, glorious potential.  For more information, click image >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>