Article by Bob Lancer
(see many more articles at www.boblancer.com) Sibling Solutions
How and Why to Love Each Child Best Part 1 All of the factors that drive children to behave poorly produce problems in the ways that siblings relate with one another. These include exposing a child to: • Marital discord between the parents • An unstable routine or disruption to a stable routine • Much stress, unhappiness, impatience or emotional explosiveness expressing from a parent or other member of the household • A parent who seems emotionally absent or inaccessible • Someone who routinely models inappropriate behavior or behavior that you do not wish your child to repeat • Situations in which the child receives inadequate supervision If your siblings display ugly sibling rivalry, consider the role that one or more of these factors may play. It is virtually guaranteed that one or more of them operate at the root of the problem. Until you accomplish some stable improvement here, nothing that you try will result in a trend of real improvement. As you make improvement here, you provide your children with more of the essential support they need to demonstrate kind, considerate and respectful treatment of one another. Child discipline begins with adult self-discipline. As long as you lack the discipline needed to improve the way that you manage the influences impacting your children, your children will seem to lack the self-discipline to behave well. As long as you continue living and relating with your children in the same habitual ways, you must experience the same disappointing and frustrating results. One of the most commonly overlooked contributors to sibling strife is marital discord. Beyond the generally negative influence of parental squabbling upon the behavior, mood, attitude and motivation of the child exposed to it, the way that parents relate with one another functions as a model for the way siblings learn to relate with one another. Common, negative forms of parent-relationship modeling include: • One parent dominates the other through intimidation, talks down to the other, launches much blame and condemnation at the other • A parent uses dishonesty to manipulate or control the other • A parent uses subtle forms of emotional manipulation for control • The couple maintains an undercurrent of resentment that blocks the healthy trust, openness and intimacy between them • The parents bicker in contentious ugliness in front of the children • One parent displays bossiness or bullying toward the other. • A parent routinely plays the role of passive placater or depressive martyr or victim in the relationship. Since siblings tend to reproduce in their relationship with one another what they witness occurring in the dynamics between their parents, when you don't like the way that your siblings are relating, look for similar forms of ugliness present in your way of relating with your mate. As you accept responsibility for the part you play in your marital problems and make improvements in the example that you set, you teach your children better ways of relating with one another. You can always be more kind and conscious in how you interact with your mate, particularly in front of the children. Take a close and honest look at the quality of your interactions with your mate to see how you can make improvements for the good of that relationship and, by extension, for the good of your children's relationship with one another.  To order Bob Lancer's CD recording of Sibling Solutions in its entirety, e-mail your request for ordering instructions.
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